The Ten Worst Facebook Friends

by Michael harriot

10. THE JESUS-Y GIRL – This friend falls into two categories: Friend number one ismarginally religious in real life. You usually see her at the club downing shots of Patron like it’s the antidote for a snakebite, but on Facebook, her status message is always an inspirational Bible verse.

Girl number two is actually into her religion, and interjects her faith into every conversation, status update, and comment.. WHATEVER you say, her comment will usually begin with “Well the Bible says…” Hey girls, everyone likes religion, except when it’s pretentious and in-your-face. Most people’s religion is valuable to them because it’s a PERSONAL relationship, not an online marketing ploy. Stop celebrating the fact that you pray and know how to thank God, we ALL do…

9. The PROMO GUY – You barely know this guy. He might be a DJ, or a friend with a band. He may have even hosted an event that you attended once, and he somehow finagled your facebook page or email address from some list. He constantly fills your inbox with party invitations to events that you would NEVER go to. Hey Buddy, I like you, but I don’t think I’m really invited to the Fleisher bar mitzvah, and I don’t know if I want to go to the Grown and Sexy Spring Bling Booty Night. Thanks anyway, though.

8. THE APP-FANATIC – You already know who this is. It’s usually someone who recently discovered social networking, and more than likely JUST got their first computer. “This Facebook thing is so cool,” so they constantly hit you with virtual pillows, send you virtual drinks and are essentially virtually annoying. I don’t want to “become a fan of oxygen,” and I am NOT joining your mafia. I cried when I was ten and Mr. Lawton caught me stealing candy from the corner store. I am not La Cosa Nostra material.

7. MR. OR MS T.M.I. – You may have a few of these people on your list. This is the friend that is so desperate for attention that they divulge every single moment of their lives. Half their updates/posts are from their phone, and they love to talk about the people in line with them at the grocery store, what they are eating and how often they are exercising.

True Story: A friend of mine once updated constantly during his child’s birth, even updating his facebook friends on how many centimeters wife had dilated. Ewwww, now that is too much information!

6. THE KEYBOARD ILLITERATE FRIEND – We all have friends who misspell words and make grammatical errors (and we also have the pseudo-intellectual friend who can’t spell their name) but this person is even seriouser (I know it’s not a word!) You know that friend whose spelling and grammar is so wild that it takes a degree in cryptography to decipher what they are trying to say. Facebook has spellcheck, you know? Also, please undo the caps lock and STOP YELLING AT ME!!!

5. THE LATE FRIEND – If you log into Facebook, and see the status “R.I.P. Michael Jackson,” this is the friend we are discussing. This friend always seems to have “news” from last week, month or year. I’ve always found it difficult to understand how someone with the internet could be behind so often, but I have a theory: Some of our friends have time machines. My second theory (which is probably more sane) is that they watch last week’s news on their DVR.

4. THE UNAWARE FRIEND – No one ever confronts the heavy girl who makes inappropriate comments about fat people, but we should. We should also slip an anonymous note to the guy who has the I.Q. of a meerkat, but calls other people dumb, or the ghetto fabulous girl who laughs at other people’s fashion. Someone has to tell them. I nominate you.

3. THE OPEN BOOK – This person is closely related to the T.M.I. friend. Sometimes the things you see on facebook are actually startling, and you might not know you are startling people, so here are a few hints: If you have pictures in your underwear taken with your cell phone camera in the mirror, you should probably take them down. If you fight with your babydaddy, your “haters” or your ex’s new “friend” on facebook, you should erase it. If you have revealed a little too much about yourself, thank God that the site has a “remove” button.

P.S. Send those underwear mirror shots to me

2. YOUR MAMA – If your mother is on facebook, don’t friend her!!! Facebook is for keeping in touch with old friends. If you have to message your mom on a social networking site, then you need more therapy than a quick, witty remark can conjure up. I’m sorry. Really, I am.

And the worst facebook friend of all is:

1. THAT DUDE/GIRL YOU DON’T KNOW – There is only one thing worse than being annoyed by someone you know: being annoyed by a complete stranger. EVERYONE has been friended by someone whose facebook photo looks vaguely familiar. Maybe you went out on a date with them once, or maybe they sat behind you in homeroom, but you have no idea who they are. The worst part is, they are always the first to comment on your status, your photos and laugh their asses off, or out loud whenever you make a joke. You are annoyed by this person because they usually have one or more of the other worst facebook friends characteristics, and contact you more than your real friends. They are an enigma, because they seem to be so familiar with you, so you have to become the facebook detective – checking out their friends, their “info” page and scrutinizing their photos for clues.

Calm down, it’s just someone you slept with in Cancun.

Michael Harriot is a journalist, poet and host of the popular podcast The Black One as well as the cohost of The StayWoke Show web series. Find out more about Michael at www.michaelharriot.com

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