TEN MORE FACEBOOK FRIENDS YOU SHOULD DELETE
Last year, as Facebook neared its 500 billionth member, we gave you a list of the top ten friends you should avoid on the site. (You can read it here:https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=323895292366) As the site grows, we are working on an intricate logarithm to inform you of whether or not you should add a friend. In the absence of that formula, we based this year’s list totally on bias and stereotypes. We now present to you this year’s countdown of Facebook friends you should get rid of.
10. The Pray-er: I have a lot of friends on Facebook that are sincere Christians. A few are even in the ministry and post uplifting status messages. However, I can’t figure out for the life of me why people actually pray to God on their status message. Is it just because you want to prove to your friends that you actually pray or are religious? Why not just send God an email, or a text message? It’s more personal, and less likely to get you deleted. OOOPS – too late!
9. The Dude Who Works With You: Here’s the scenario: Jimmy works in the office (or cubicle) next to yours, plays on the company softball team, and even once invited you to his house for a barbecue. One day a friend request from Jimmy pops up on Facebook. What do you do? It’s simple: Ignore the friend request and act like you’ve never seen it. If he asks you about it, hem and haw and make a seamless transition into this weekend’s NFL action. I think it was Sun Tzu who said in The Art of War: “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your co-workers off your damn Facebook page.”
8. The Deleter: Once a month, this attention-starved Facebook friend makes a bold announcement: “I’m going to start deleting people!” This usually occurs around a birthday or New Years, because they are “making a new start.” The sad thing is, they never delete YOU. Oh, how I’ve tried to be deleted from their list! Sometimes I even suggest myself to be deleted, as a sacrificial lamb, but alas, they never go through with it. The next time they make this announcement, delete them as a preemptive strike.
7. Mister Look-at-what-I-just-ate: This person doesn’t annoy me, they just puzzle me. I have never seen a picture of a plate of food that made me hungry. First of all, if it is a good or expensive restaurant, they probably have low lighting, rendering the flash on your 1989 blackberry useless. I can’t tell you how many off-color pictures of plates I’ve seen with blue-green lettuce and purple chicken. Plus, if I can’t smell the food, it’s not enticing. Hold off on posting pics of food until Zuckerberg invents a “Smell This” button. Until then, you’re going bye-bye. Delete!
6. The Cuul Kid. I have a nephew in the 11th grade who s3Nd m3 t3xts lik dis. No one should type like that if they want to be taken seriously as an adult. I know this is just Facebook and not a research paper, however, if you have a high school diploma, you should know a few things:
a. “a lot” is two words
b. “your” is possessive, “you’re” is a contraction of you are.
c. How you express yourself in writing is the greatest reflection of your intelligence
d. I’m deleting you.
5. The Humblebraggart: The phrase “Humblebrag” was not coined by me, but you know the type – People who brag and try to be humble at the same time. The following are ACTUAL Examples of humblebrag status updates:
a.” If I had known driving a 750i BMW would attract so much attention, I would’ve reconsidered.”
b. “Sometimes being young, successful, single and attractive is so much of a burden because other women hate on you. I DON’T WANT YOUR MAN!”
I hope you are humble about being unfriended. After all, I’m probably just jealous of your awesomeness.
4. The Picposter : I used to complain about the bathroom mirror shots, but there are a few new trends evolving on the picture scene:
1. The in-the-car-about-to-drive-with-my-sunglasses-on shot. Either these people don’t have to be anywhere important, or they don’t care about being late. When I get in my car, buckle up, and get ready to pull out of my garage, the LAST thing I’m thinking is “Oh, I look pretty good, let me get a pic.”
2. The guy-with-his-shirt-off picture: You know the guy who posts the shot in front of his new baby Benz, or in the bathroom mirror flexing his pecs after finishing 22 push-ups. C’mon son. Trust me; it’s not a good look.
3. The flashing-money pic: You’ve seen the people flashing wads of money in a picture. When I see it guys, I just assume you don’t have a checking account. Women, I assume you just got off the pole. Either way, it’s probably just your income tax money.
Take a picture of me, because you’re blocked
3. The Old School Video Poster: EVERYONE knows this person. They pollute your timeline with YouTube videos of old school songs they loved when they were in high school. I lost respect for a LOT of my Facebook friends after noticing they had TERRIBLE taste in music. Here’s a hint: If you liked ANYONE with a Jheri curl that is not Easy-E or Michael Jackson, your music probably sucks. Now get off my page!
2. Almost Famous – Some people really believe they can get famous on Facebook. Sure it happened a couple of times, but with 500,000,000 users on the site, it was bound to. Trust me; singing Lady Gaga songs into your webcam isn’t going to get you a record deal. Neither will asking people to “like” your hip-hop group “Swag Soulja.” I have an idea – make a record, and ask people to buy it! Until then, see-ya!
1. My Mama – Last year, I warned you about adding your mama as a friend on Facebook. If you need a website to keep up with your mother, I feel sorry for you. Now, I want to warn you about friending my mama. Trust me, nothing good will come out of it. You’ll just be inundated with updates about her grandchildren, biscuit recipes and bible verses. Plus, she can’t see that well, so when she “likes” something you say, you can’t be sure if she thinks it’s funny, or she was just trying to delete you. Trust me on this one. (Don’t worry about her reading this; I intentionally made the font too small)
Follow Michael Harriot on twitter: @michaelharriot