Things I Can’t Get With



1. Tyler Perry/Madea movies: I know that he’s kinda funny – in the same basic, pre-kindergarden way that Andrew Dice Clay and doodoo jokes are kinda funny, but when I pay $10 and lose 2 hours of my life in one of his movies, I get the same gut feeling that I am sure heroin users get after a weekend binge. I know he is a black man making money, and I don’t wish him any harm, I just can’t go to his movies. I did once say that the movie industry would never be equal until black filmmakers were allowed to make as many bad movies as white directors (i.e. Pauly Shore movies, Ernest Goes to Camp, Encino Man etc...). Welcome to post-racial America, moviegoers!!!


2. Organic Food – I try to eat healthy, but you self-righteous, neo-treehuggers trip me out! It doesn’t matter if you eat a bacon sandwich on Organic Whole Wheat toast! You are STILL killing yourself!! Unless you are a vegan, and you fall within your doctor’s prescribed weight limit – don’t scold me about my hamburger. I run 5 miles a day and probably eat healthier than you, but I am not about to pay an extra two bucks for “free range” chicken so that the pretentious cashier at Whole Foods with armpit hair can make me feel superior. Here’s a newsflash: I don’t like chickens that much. I don’t care how they are treated before they are killed! As long as they come with the appropriate amount of hot sauce (Texas Pete) you can slaughter them by making them watch Tyler Perry movies until they commit suicide for all I care!!!

3. Wigs – Everybody knows its a wig, and they are secretly laughing at you.



4. Flip Flops – I’m sorry, I am old school, and was raised with the thought that your underwear are not to be seen, and flip flops are ONLY for the shower. Even if they come in pastels with pretty flowers adorning them, they still seem cheap and trailer-parkish to me. If, however, you do choose to wear them, PLEASE take the precaution to at least have a pedicure, and to lotion that little ash-spot right above your heel.

5. Facebook/Myspace zealots – Dude, If I see you almost every day, we don’t need to be facebook friends. If I know you, but never f**ked with you in real life, why are you “friending” me? By the way, if you are listed as one of my friends, it doesn’t mean that we are really “friends,” so don’t flip out when I don’t tag you in a photo, or put you in my top 8, or whatever it is that the people who take this waaaay too seriously do. Here’s a suggestion: Get some real friends.



6. Hip Hop – Its dead. Nas was right.


6 thoughts on “Things I Can’t Get With

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